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Chase me, ladies, I'm in the cavalry
Friday, April 30, 2004
 
THEY’LL SLIT MY EARS OFF IF I DON’T PAY
Letter to the Hong Kong and Shanghai Bank:

Dear Sir,
Would it be possible to borrow $300,000 to pay a blackmailer? I realise it's a lot of money, but I would rather get it from someone respectable, rather than the sort of people who would slit my ears off if I fell behind on repayments. I've done a few things I shouldn't have did, and if I can't come up with the money by next month they're going to splash my name all over the tabloids, bringing shame to my family, serious porridge for me, and a spiral of bloody revenge when I get out. Best thing is to just pay the slags quickly, then bide my time and hit them when I can. I'll cave their heads in with a lump of pig iron.

I can't offer much in the way of security, I'm afraid, but I assure you I can repay you in the next few months. I just need to call in a few favours. And would it be possible to withdraw the full amount in cash, preferably fives and tens?

Not a word to the pigs. I know people.

Yours faithfully,


Harry Hutton



Copy and email to your local bank. Prizes for the best replies. First prize- a fleet of Rolls Royces!

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WHICH SPICE GIRL WOULD YOU EAT FIRST? VOTE NOW!
You are trapped on a desert island with the Spice Girls. Food and rum have run out. You are weak from hunger and there is no hope of rescue. Which Spice Girl would you eat first?

(Scroll down to vote).

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Thursday, April 29, 2004
 
DAMN HER AND HER PARIS FADS
Had just made the morning tea when I discovered that there is no more milk. My girlfriend says I should put a slice of lemon in it. Damn her and her Paris fads.

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A FLAWLESS MASTERPIECE
And the best film ever made? Top Gun, obviously. A flawless masterpiece.

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Wednesday, April 28, 2004
 
VOTE FOR THE WORST FILM OF ALL TIME
No, I will not be going to see Kill Bill 2. I am not exaggerating or trying to be funny when I say that Kill Bill 1 was the second worst film I have ever seen, the worst being Moulin Rouge.

Jeebus, do you remember Moulin Rouge? The most painful afternoon I have ever spent in the cinema. I saw it in Colombia. Despite the civil war you can go into any shopping mall and see the identical same crap as you get in High Wycombe. That’s progress.

Vote for worst film of all time in the comments section, if you have nothing more pressing to do.

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Tuesday, April 27, 2004
 
JOHN LENNON HAS BEEN SHOT!
Apparently John Lennon has been shot.
If there's any more news on that, I'll keep you posted.

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Monday, April 26, 2004
 
KILLER FACT!
The New York Times' weekend section has 8,000 pages and weighs as much as a dog. No living human has ever managed to finish it.

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MOST OF THE WORLD’S PROBLEMS STILL CAUSED BY BRITAIN
After all these years people are still bitching at us -I am British- for the problems of the Middle East. And Kashmir. And Cyprus. And some other places I don’t remember right now.

Well OK. But if we are going to get the blame for Palestine and Iraq, then I insist we get the credit for Hong Kong and Singapore. Or if Hong Kong and Singapore are the result of "Asian values" then the current pig's breakfast in the Middle East must have been caused by Arab-Israeli values. You can't have it both ways.

When we make things better no one thanks us, and when we make it worse they never forgive us. It’s just so unfair.

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Saturday, April 24, 2004
 

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ANGRY HORDES
Why is it, by the way, that you can make Buddha jokes, amusing or not as the case may be, and nobody minds; not even Buddhists. Yet were I to try the same thing with the Prophet Mohammad my website would be burned down by, like, an angry horde.

I throw it in for debate.

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MORE BUDDHA:
Anyway, so the Buddha goes into a pizzeria and says, “Make me one with everything.”

Ba-doom, ba-doom... What’s that? Sides not split? Ah, well, it’s all in the delivery.

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HATS OFF TO ALL CONCERNED
Just went to see the Po Lin Monastery on Lantau island. Very, very nice. If you like monks, they’ve got those; and if you are into giant bronze statues of Buddha, they’ve got those too. They seem to have thought of everything. Hats off to all concerned.

If you are lucky enough to live in Hong Kong and would like to know more about the path to enlightenment, there’s a Master of Buddhist Studies course at HKU that might interest you. Students will learn about how to attain Nirvana, and reincarnation. It isn't cheap: $60,000 for a course. But, hey, you only live once!

Ba-doom, ba-doom, tish!

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Friday, April 23, 2004
 

BIRTH AND THE MIRACLE OF CREAM
(A note from our sponsors)

Birth and the Miracle Of Cream. Dr Herman Van Loon of the University of Nebraska explains the benefits of giving birth in a vat of cream. Your baby will emerge into a protein-rich world, a world packed with vitamins and goodness; a world of cream. Phone 472-5151* for a free information pack, and watch your baby thrive in its creamy new environment.

*the code is (402) if you are calling from outside Nebraska.

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LIKE A TROUSER, YET NOT A TROUSER
Just had an interesting discussion with a student.
"How to say [in English] trouser," he asked, "but isn't trouser?"
"Huh?" I said.
"Isn't trouser. What it is?"
I said that I wasn't entirely sure. He said that it was like a trouser, but is wear in the street. After a couple of minutes of this conversation I was ready to burst into tears. He was like a terrier with a rat. He absolutely would not let me proceed until we had cleared up this important point.

It is like a trouser, yet in some important sense not a trouser. One wears it in the street. Does that suggest anything to you?

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Thursday, April 22, 2004
 

THE FASTEST GROWING SEXUAL PERVERSION IN CHINA.
Click back next week and I will reveal what is the fastest growing perversion in China.

Take my word for it, it's disgusting.

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KILLER FACT!
Pakistan is the world's largest exporter of bagpipes.

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THE BRIDE WAS FLOGGED FOR CHEWING GUM
(Wedding news)

The marriage of Miss Samantha Gillot and Mr. Anthony John Chiffin took place on April 17th at St. Peter's Church, Spennymore.

Miss Gillot is the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Michael Gillot of Stoke Row, and Mr. Chiffin was raised in the forest by beasts of prey. The bride was given away by her father, who wore a dress of ivory Thai silk decorated with pearls and gold embroidery, and a long train.

The chief bridesmaid Sheryl Chiffin and bridesmaids Clare Scott and Amy Smith wore ballerina-length ivory silk dresses edged in plum pink. Ben Sweeney, the pageboy, wore an ivory silk suit with a plum pink cummerbund, like the worst kind of nancy.

For the minority who are interested, the service was conducted by the Reverend "David" Harvey, who addressed the congregation in fluent Apache.

During the service they sang Praise My Soul The King Of Heaven and Yes, Sir, I Can Boogie. The bouquets were of mixed cottage flowers, including roses and honeysuckle.

The reception was held at The Springs Hotel, Spennymore, and the honeymoon was spent in Phuket and Singapore, where the bride was flogged for chewing gum.

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Wednesday, April 21, 2004
 

CHAT UP LINE: GUARANTEED RESULTS.
Saw a girl on the bus today, bit of a fox, so I sat down opposite and attracted her attention by bursting a balloon. “I am a tomato,” I announced, when she looked up. “So am I a fruit... or a vegetable?” She didn't know, so I explained to her in a nerd voice that technically I am a fruit in that I grow above ground, but that the United States Agricultural Department considers me a vegetable for the purposes of import levy.

Sadly, she did not speak English, otherwise we would have been getting naked within the hour. I have personally had over six hundred women using this method.

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URGENT!
Please send 300 kilos of white mice. No time to explain.

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Tuesday, April 20, 2004
 

AS I ATE THE TOMATOES I WEPT.
I recently ate my first grape tomato. I’d never seen one in Hong Kong before. It was so delicious that I don’t mind telling you that I wept. After that I ate another, and then another. They are as addictive as cigarettes, and I crammed handful after handful of them into my mouth as the tears rolled down my cheeks.

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LETTER OF THE WEEK.
There is NO letter of the week.

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Monday, April 19, 2004
 
TRIVIA CORNER.
Q. Which American city is named after General Sam Houston?

a. Sam, Texas
b. Houston, Texas
c. Stockton-On-Tees

The correct answer is a.

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Sunday, April 18, 2004
 
RUNNING AWAY FROM DOGS- THE FUN WAY TO FITNESS
How can you lose weight fast? Which sport burns more calories per hour than any other? Swimming? Jogging? Aerobics? In fact, it is none of these. The best sport for weight-loss, muscle tone and the cardio-vascular system is Running Away From Dogs.

Which is why we at the Sports Science Labs of the University of Nebraska invented the Tunnel of Dogs. It couldn't be easier. Simply wait in the tunnel till the dog appears, then run for your life. When you have completed the requisite number of laps a net comes down, ensnaring the hound and saving you from a savaging. Never has losing weight been so easy.

Send us details of your heart-rate, body fat and medical history, and our experts will select the right dog for you. The dog is carefully weighted to match your overall speed and fitness. As you improve, simply remove the weights and the dog becomes progressively faster. Before the dog is released it is put in a cage and taunted. It is poked repeatedly with a stick until it is absolutely livid. Then, and only then, is it released to chase you. With its snapping jaws only inches away from your arse you will run like never before, knowing that it will sink its teeth into your soft flesh if you slow down for even a second.

If you are interested in Running Away From Dogs write to Dr Herman Van Loon at the University of Nebraska, enclosing a doctor's certificate and your favourite tie.

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GLUE-SNIFFERS, DRUNKEN HARPIES.
In London everyone is huffing and puffing about the new statue in Trafalgar Square. A naked pregnant woman with no arms? What’s that got to do with anything? A member of the public getting beaten up by glue-sniffers while a drunken harpy vomits on his shoes would better represent the modern United Kingdom.

I personally wanted another statue of Lord Nelson, but nobody listens to me.

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THEY'RE MAKING GREAT STRIDES IN CHINA
Just got back from Shenzhen in Mainland China. Bought a pair of tailor-made trousers for about $10, or 6 of your English pounds. As it says in Newsweek, they are making great strides in China.

Ba-doom, ba-doom, tish!


*note for American readers: this is even more side-splitting when you know that strides is Anglo / Australian slang for trousers.

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Friday, April 16, 2004
 

URGENT!
Please send 300 kilos of white mice. No time to explain.

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Thursday, April 15, 2004
 
KIM IL SUNG'S BIRTHDAY!
Today is the birthday of comrade Kim Il Sung. To celebrate, me and 15,000 of my pals will be singing "We owe our bumper crop to the leader." You are invited.

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HOW TO WIN WITH WOMEN
(A note from our sponsors.)

What is the scent women find most attractive? Musk? Pheromones? Eau de Cologne? In fact, it is none of these. The smell that really gets them hot is the smell of CASH!

Dr Herman Van Loon of the University of Nebraska has dedicated his life to isolating scent particles from dollar bills, and has now developed CASH!, the only aftershave made with real money. Wherever you go you'll be followed by the mouth-watering aroma of greenbacks. She'll find you attractive, but she won't know why!

To find out more about CASH! write to Dr Van Loon at the University of Nebraska, enclosing a pre-paid envelope and your favourite tie.

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SWARMING BY IN THEIR TENS
Off to a fine start over here. Only two days old and already people are swarming by in their tens.

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Wednesday, April 14, 2004
 
Interesting piece by Mark Steyn. He’s lunching in Fallujah. The Arabs are in awe of him as a “strong horse” because is wearing cufflinks, and so spared his life. This is an argument for using greater force.

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KILLER FACT!
Switzerland is a net importer of cuckoo clocks.

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VIOLENT BRITAIN
The British-controlled sectors of Iraq are quieter than the rest country. British soldiers have been less confrontational than the Americans, and haven’t antagonized the locals to the same extent:

"British rules of engagement only allow troops to open fire when attacked, using the minimum force necessary and only at identified targets… The British response in Iraq has been much softer [than the Americans']. During and after the war the British set about trying to win the confidence of the local population." (From The Daily Telegraph).

And yet when you meet British soldiers in Britain itself they are very far from non-confrontational, always smashing up bars and hitting people. They keep the peace in Basra and Kosovo, but they breach the peace in Colchester. A paradox.

Unprovoked attack… assault… completely unprovoked… felt a blow… swollen nose…etc.

Woman bites soldier. Soldier hits woman with bottle. Tells the court he did not realize he was holding a bottle. (Christ, what a country!)

Navy towns are apparently even worse.


Off-duty squaddies enjoying a night out in Henley.

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URGENT!
Please send 300 kilos of white mice. No time to explain.

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SHOULD FALLUJAH BE REDUCED TO CHARRED ASHES?
A thoughtful letter in the Post-Gazette:

"The entire city of Fallujah should be firebombed from the air, just as we did with Dresden. Many people died. It was war. So is what we are engaged in now. That whole city, and every man, woman, and child in it, should be reduced to nothing but charred ashes.

A message needs to be sent to those who would commit such actions as the terrorists in Fallujah did. The only reason they continue to do so is because they can. "Let the punishment fit the crime" is an old saying that in many cases falls short. The punishment should be more severe than the crime, if possible, so as to act as a deterrent to future crime."


Polls show that only 0.9% of Americans would support the Dresden-style firebombing of Fallujah. And yet 0.9% of the American population is equivalent to the population of Kansas.

WHAT GIVES GEORGE BUSH THE RIGHT TO SINGLE OUT KANSAS IN THIS WAY?

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KILLER FACT!
Vietnam is the world's largest exporter of pepper.

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HOWARD STERN
Normally I find Howard Stern about as funny as Dengue fever. But this was amusing.

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IRAQ
The latest news from Iraq has me pissing into my trousers with fear.
On the other hand, I've just bought a blender for making fruit juices, so life is pretty good.

It's all a question of perspective.
Il faut cultiver notre jardin, as the Irish say.

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Thursday, April 01, 2004
 
LINKS
NOT SUITABLE FOR MINERS
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Give me spirit fingers
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Deleted by tomorrow
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Book!


THE GREAT BIG WAR AGAINST TERROR

How to say "Death to America!" in Arabic

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If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung

I am opposed to the hacking off of heads

Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective

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Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave

Another atrocity


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Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational

Addio Amore, Addio Razza

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Kim Il Sung's birthday!

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North Korea job offer

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People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea

Please hit our fans with clubs

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World Cup diary


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Where to buy beer in Gaza

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Someone threw a bomb in our garden

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Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers

Israel's wall

Meet the Arafats


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Is it wrong to execute Australians?

Anzac day

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Off with the false whiskers

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Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table

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When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad



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Christ were those peasants ugly

Machete man asks me for money

Tips for visiting prisoners

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Personal injury lawyer

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Live-blogging the plane crash

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Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French

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If you like rock music you must be stupid

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A pogrom of quails

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People now idiots- TV to blame

Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock

Rum

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Haiku on another wasted year


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The illusion of plenty

Diets


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Killer Fact! (Brazil)

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(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)



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Seelai
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Give me spirit fingers
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LAND OF THE DINGO
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SEAL-CLUBBING DOMINION
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LIVING THE VENEZUELAN DREAM
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