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Chase me, ladies, I'm in the cavalry
Sunday, August 29, 2004
 
SECRET BEER DENS IN THE GAZA STRIP
Posted a piece from a few years ago about my (successful) attempt to buy beer in the Gaza Strip.

Changed the soothing colour to wake-up green for people in Hong Kong, who should be waking up any minute now.

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MY WEB SITE HAS A CALMING COLOUR
killer-fact.com is up and running. So far it is only a blank page, but the colour is calming.

There’s bound to be some text there sooner or later, and when there is it will be even better.

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Friday, August 27, 2004
 
IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE?
The twenty funniest Britons according to Reader's Digest readers:
1. Tommy Cooper
2. Peter Kay
3. Billy Connolly
4. Morecambe and Wise
5. Bob Monkhouse
6. Ken Dodd
7. Roy 'Chubby' Brown
8. (equal) Norman Wisdom
8. (equal) Les Dawson
10. Lee Evans
11. (equal) David Jason
11. (equal) Dawn French
13. (equal) Jim Davidson
13. (equal) Rowan Atkinson
15. Benny Hill
16. Jasper Carrott
17. Lenny Henry
18. Spike Milligan
19. John Cleese
20. (equal) Eddie Izzard
20. (equal) Freddie Starr
(Found via James at Dead Men Left)


It is hard to know where to start. Many of these people shouldn’t even be in the top 10,000.

I just spent ten minutes trying to rank them in order of unfunniness. But how? Lee Evans, for example, is about as amusing as dengue fever; but is he actually less funny than Jim Davidson? Of course not, how could he be?

They are just unfunny in different ways.

I have sat stony-faced through The Jasper Carrot Show, without ever feeling any dislike for the man, whereas five minutes of Jim Davidson and you want to kick him. Dawn French also seems quite likeable but is, through no fault of her own, completely unfunny.

The real funniest man -Peter Cook- didn't even make the top twenty.

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Thursday, August 26, 2004
 
KILLER-FACT.COM
...coming soon.

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KRUGMAN ROARED WITH SADISTIC LAUGHTER AS HE TROD ON THE PUPPY’S HEAD
James M writes in to ask what kind of dog it was that Krugman kicked. This is important.

It was a labrador puppy. Krugman roared with sadistic laughter as he trod on its snout with his size ten boots. A nasty piece of work.


Thuggish behaviour

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BLOGSPOT NO LONGER FASHIONABLE
Going to start my own domain and move to the fashionable side of the street. Who is the best web host in this rainy kingdom? I want the web host that Harrods uses.

Money no object.

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Tuesday, August 24, 2004
 
IF I WERE GOD I WOULD LIGHTNING THEM
Britain’s first Islamic bank is about to open, just round the corner from me. What's an Islamic Bank? Muslims are not supposed to engage in usury, yet modern life is impossible without it, so they have come up with all kinds of wheezes to pull the wool over God's eyes.

With an Islamic mortgage, for example, the bank buys the house then "rents" it to you. Some of this "rent" goes towards buying the bank's share of the house, until eventually you own it. Just like a normal mortgage. But because the bank is technically the owner, you have not, technically, borrowed any money. On paper, you and the bank are both still eligible for heaven.

You would need to have a pretty low opinion of our creator to think he could be taken in by this type of scheming. If God said no usury, presumably He meant it. If you think you can outwit Him with such a transparent piece of sophistry he will surely lightning you.

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DOG-KICKER KRUGMAN
Letter to the New York Times:
Dear Sir,
I was out walking my dog recently when I passed Professor Paul Krugman in a state of some intoxication. His speech was slurred, and he was unsteady on his feet. He was hammering on the doors of a neighbor's house demanding drink. When I remonstrated with him he became abusive and kicked my dog.

He might have won the Clark Medal, but this is no excuse for cruelty to dogs, and I trust you will make this clear to him. What is the normal procedure in such cases?

Yours faithfully,



Harry Hutton
They didn't reply, and when I called to complain they threatened to have me shot. This is quite true.

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Sunday, August 22, 2004
 
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW INFANT
Simon of Simonworld has a new infant. Hats off to the infant!

I just hope it doesn't let us all down by growing up to be a terrorist.

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Saturday, August 21, 2004
 
LIFE AMONG THE LIBERALS
New literary genre.

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THE JOES ARE MURDERERS
An email arrives from one of my old Gaza students telling me that "the Joes are murderers". Can this be true? I wonder which Joes he means. Old Joe Stalin certainly liquidated a kulak or two, but what about Joe Bugner? A rough diamond, certainly, but a murderer? Perhaps he was referring to the Joe in the Jimi Hendrix song who was going somewhere with a gun in his hand.

When I was working in Gaza I had a pious little speech prepared about how not all Joe-ish people are Israelis, and how not all Israelis support ________ (insert atrocity of the day). But on the whole it was better to avoid discussing politics in class, since it could end with me getting blamed for the Balfour Declaration, as though it were my idea. Or I might get a lecture on the Palestinian too-good-to-be-true version of history about how, before Zionism, Christians, Muslims and Jews had all been the best of neighbours- everyone was welcome!

Wherever I go in this world, people are always terribly keen to convert me to their point of view, as if I, teacher of verbs, had great influence in Washington.

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Friday, August 20, 2004
 
KILLER FACT!
Evian is naive spelt backwards.

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Wednesday, August 18, 2004
 
KILLER BEES IN SANTA ANA!
Tens of thousands of bees that swept through a Santa Ana neighborhood last week, stinging 13 people and two dogs, both of them fatally, have been identified as Africanized honeybees, Orange County officials said Tuesday. (From today's LA Times)

A brief history of the Killer Bee
As well as having the best footballers and female impersonators, Brazil also boasts the world's most foul-tempered and aggressive bees. And these "killer" bees are a man-made problem. The South American bee was crossed with the African bee, the idea being to create a more "resistant" bee, a hardy all-weather insect. What actually resulted was a psychopathically violent and anti-social creature, a real Chelsea nutter of a bee.

Killer bees were invented in Sao Paulo in 1956, by mad bee scientists, but soon escaped from the laboratory and colonized large parts of central and south America. Every year they got a bit further north. In 1990 they reached Texas, crossing the border on false passports, but it wasn't until 1993 that they notched up their first redneck. Eleven months later they bagged Texan number two, a ninety-eight year old man, who wasn't very sprightly and had difficulty running away. It seems a bit unfair that he survived all the upheavals of the 20th century only to be stung to death by deranged insects in his ninety-eighth year. In 1998 the bees were accused of killing a dog near Las Vegas.

US schools have now incorporated "Africanized Honey Bees" into their Life Science exam. (They call them Africanized Honey Bees because they are opposed to bee racism, and feel it is unfair to stigmatize one group of bees as killers simply because they are African. In their view it is wrong to imply that the bee crime rate is higher in one group of bees than in another.) Questions include:
Describe a beeless earth.

How is bee society like human society?

Is increased honey production worth the risk of importing potentially dangerous insects?
I suppose the answer to that last one depends how much you like honey and how much you like Texans. I personally believe that it is a price worth paying. Since 1956 Brazil has gone from 27th to 4th in the world for honey production. They have their detractors, but Brazil's bees have outperformed the rest of the Brazilian economy. And you've got to admit, the idea of Texans getting stung to f*** by swarms of insects is pretty funny, the occasional fatality notwithstanding.

Hats off, then, to the killer bees.

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IMPORTANT!
An email arrives asking why I need 500 kilos of white mice. I don't- I only asked for 300 kilos.

500 kilos would be ridiculous.

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Tuesday, August 17, 2004
 
KILLER FACT!
On July 17th 1980, the New York Times ran an advert for Saddam Hussein.

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Monday, August 16, 2004
 
KILLER FACT!
The country where tourists are most likely to be killed or injured is Switzerland. On paper it is more dangerous than South Africa, Brazil and Zimbabwe (the figures are skewed by skiing holidays.)

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Saturday, August 14, 2004
 
INSOMNIA
I can’t sleep. I’m just so excited about the Venezuelan referendum.

UPDATE: The minority who are interested in Venezuela should check out Caracas Chronicles. Venezuelan Killer Facts available here.

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CRIME WAVE
From the Daily Mirror:
A yob of 21 was back behind bars yesterday after appearing in court for his 150th crime...
Britain would benefit from a "140 strikes and you’re out" law, in my opinion.

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WHY I EMIGRATED
They’ve got some real lovely scum interviewed on Chavscum this week. (Originally from Fat Pie.)

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Wednesday, August 11, 2004
 
KILLER FACT!
Winston Churchill's mother had a snake tattoo on her wrist.

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YOUR SEVERED FOOT WOULD LOOK GOOD ON MY COFFEE TABLE
A big black car is driving through the snow. A rich fat man sits in the back, smoking a cigar, looking pleased with himself. The car stops at traffic lights, and a scruffy man offers to wash the windscreen. The fat man says, hey, come here. Scruffy approaches.

"I'll give you a million dollars," says the fat man, "for your foot."
"Eh?"
"I'm offering to buy your foot. $1,000,000."
"My foot?"
"It'll look good on my coffee table. Here's my business card. You think about it."

The lights change and the fat man drives off.

Scruffy thinks about it. Much as I enjoy having two feet, he thinks, my life isn't great, and I could really do things with $1,000,000. A second foot, he decides, is a luxury he can no longer afford.

Scruffy goes to the railway track, and lies with one foot across it. As the train approaches he leaps up; he can't bear to go through with it.

He tries to find a doctor willing to amputate a perfectly acceptable foot. None is, because of their professional code. Eventually a friend of Scruffy's removes the foot with a saw, while Scruffy is asleep on tranquillisers. Scruffy goes on crutches to see fat man, clutching a box containing his severed foot. The receptionist is reluctant to let him into the building. She speaks to the fat man on the telephone. "A man is here," she says, "about a foot." The fat man doesn't have time to talk, and the receptionist tells Scruffy to wait. He shows her the foot. "How pefectly foul," she says, and runs gagging to the bathroom. When she emerges she phones security and Scruffy is removed from the premises.

Scruffy waits outside the building. When the fat man emerges, Scruffy hobbles towards him. "I've got that foot you ordered," says Scruffy, showing inside the box.

"I don't want your foot, lunatic," says the fat man, and gets into his car.

Scruffy plots the murder of the fat man. Being England it is hard to get a gun, so he gets a knife, and waits for the fat man the next day. When the fat man emerges from the building, Scruffy tries to stab him, but falls on his arse, since he is on crutches.

The fat man laughs at him, and drives off.

Scruffy lies in the snow, crying.

THE END


I wrote this for Channel 4, but they didn’t want it, the fucking philistines. It is basically Jane Austin's Bleak House boiled down to five minutes, and made more accessible for a modern audience. It can also be read as a satire on the Iraq war.

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Tuesday, August 10, 2004
 
OPEN LETTER TO PUTIN
Little Cherished One,

Everyone here was overjoyed with your letter, we have read it over and over. We had all been so worried about you. Little Anya was so delighted with the picture of you with your comrades- I think she must have shown everyone in the village by now! You looked so big and handsome in your uniform that I thought my heart would burst with pride. How are they treating you in the army? Are they giving you enough boots? I would have sent butter, but where am I going to find butter in times like these? Curse this damn war. There's not enough firewood and Uncle Boris grows weaker by the day. His cough is getting worse and I don't know if he will make it through till spring. Last week we chopped up Sasha's rocking horse for firewood -ah, the little one, how she wept! Yesterday we killed the goat and exchanged it for medicine in the village. I don't know what we will do next week. Papa always said that he would rather starve than steal, but what father can look on while his little ones shivver? Perhaps next week he will steal us a chicken.

Goodbye for now, my child, and never forget that you are in all our prayers. Little Anya lights a candle for you every night, and when you put your uniform on, all Russia marches with you.

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Sunday, August 08, 2004
 
ISLAMISTS IN QUEENSWAY
Saw a group of Islamists in Queensway handing out pamphlets, so I stopped for a chat. Somali guy gives me the one about how Islam is a scientific relgion because of something Mohammed said concerning the salinity of sea water, that he couldn’t possibly have known were he not the Prophet.

"What part of Somalia are you from?"
"Bayswater."

He asks me how, in my opinion, we came to be, and I’m all "self-replicating molecules, my friend". And he was like, "believe what you want, it’s up to you.... But if you read the Qu’ran, it will save you from hellfire."

Just then a teenage girl walks up, dressed in British slapper uniform, and said something to him that I didn’t catch. He was in long robes, long beard; she was wearing a boob tube, as I believe they are called, and a short skirt. You would think they’d have had a lot to talk about, but she just took some pamphlets and left.

It would have made a great photo. Must buy camera phone.

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Friday, August 06, 2004
 
THIS SEPTIC ISLE
Ladies and gentlemen, the English.

I love my country.

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AGE, WITH HIS STEALING STEPS, HATH CLAWED ME IN HIS CLUTCH
Today is Gerri Halliwell’s 32nd birthday! To celebrate I will be howling the words to Wannabe, while beating my head against a tree.

Incidentally, she is ahead by a nose in our Eat the Spice Girls poll (see below).

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Wednesday, August 04, 2004
 
MY DREAM WOMAN
This site is absolutely idiotic. I´m thinking of relaunching it as a Beyonce Knowles fan page.

She is my dream woman, though I accept that her life´s work as an entertainer has been woeful. What´s your favourite Beyonce song? I don´t like any of them, but I´m still a huge fan.

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Tuesday, August 03, 2004
 
ENGLAND
I am sick of this country and its stupid taps. Even third-world hell-holes have mixer taps by now; only England persists with the boiling/icy, take-it-or-leave-it set up. The cretins are still installing them in new buildings, and if you oppose such taps everyone thinks you are obsessive.

"What’s he moaning about now?"
"He’s having a go at the taps again."

Not the worst problem facing the modern UK, perhaps, but surely the most gratuitous.

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Sunday, August 01, 2004
 
KILLER FACT!
In 1981 North Korea issued a postage stamp to commemorate the marriage of Prince Charles and Lady Diana.

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TWITTER



ECONOMICS AND POLITICS

Krugman's cat

I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point

The time I punched JK Galbraith

Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?

In Defence of John Prescott

Prescott 2



CELEBRITY NEWS

Jennifer Lopez has been shot!

Nicholas Cage is a tit

A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim

Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss

50 Cent almost too stupid to speak

Ooh, brain hurts

Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman

I'm so angreeee

Ben Affleck

The Magic of Snoop

Inane Dogg

Germaine Greer's gusset


MEANINGLESS HOAXES

Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan

Correspondence with Boris Johnsons

Ministry of Defence

Thames Valley Police

Meatloaf

British Airways- I'll show those fucks

Bank

The Polite Society

Is this a library or a bordello?

Rumsfeld

Israeli Embassy

My MP

The Scottish National Party

Garry Bushell

Letter to Gunsmith (1)

Greenspan

Richard Dawkins


TEACHING ENGLISH

Your child is an illiterate cabbage

Like a trouser, yet not a trouser

Why is life so wretched?

Stopping Hitler at Munich

The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk

Non-academic sub-adult clowning

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear

No sane man cares about such things

Who, whom?

Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid

The Business English racket

Keith Richards' English level

The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth

Teaching English to cretins

This is a real pain in the arse

I hate teaching English


BRITAIN

I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps

Glue sniffers

Yorkshire Yahoos

The British public are deeply stupid

The UK's most successful ethnic group

Violent Britain

The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin

How much do you give a ponce?

Reflections on the British drunk

This septic isle

Thoughts on muggers

Do you want a punch in the mouth?

How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?

Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain

This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists

Many of my best friends are bishops

Britain's Unfunniest Comedian

Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole

Please go away


COLOMBIA

Shut your cake hole, you lunatic

I don't care about human rights that much

Why I don't take drugs

Someone is getting mugged

I am a victim of crime

Robbie Williams to blame for Colombian Civil War

That which does not kill you almost kills you

I don't know how much more I can take

Colombian girl santas

The hippos of Pablo Escobar


VENEZUELA

Dancing on the deck of the Titanic

You toucha my pies, I shoota you head

The pros and cons of domestic violence

Life? Don't talk to me about life

The evil Castro cured my cough

Breast implants out of control

Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe

One of those parties that got out of hand

Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?

Don King has lots of good ideas

Chavezfest (1)

Chavezfest (2)


BLOGGERS

The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft

Pie attacks on Professor Krugman

Hooahs!

The Andrew Sullivan Hoax

Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.

If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you

Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time

Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test

The fearless Huffington

Sourpuss Malkin

Book!


THE GREAT BIG WAR AGAINST TERROR

How to say "Death to America!" in Arabic

How to say "Death to America!" in Farsi

If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung

I am opposed to the hacking off of heads

Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective

Top ten warmongers

Islamic Banking

Knob heads

Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave

Another atrocity


NORTH KOREA

Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational

Addio Amore, Addio Razza

If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat

Kim Il Sung's birthday!

Billy Graham in North Korea

North Korea job offer

The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear


SPORTS JOURNALISM

People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea

Please hit our fans with clubs

Baseball is idiotic

I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting

World Cup diary


PALESTINE

Where to buy beer in Gaza

The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip

Someone threw a bomb in our garden

It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die

Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers

Israel's wall

Meet the Arafats


AUSTRALIA

Is it wrong to execute Australians?

Anzac day

Twisted gonads

Australians vs. camels

Off with the false whiskers

The Australian Broadcasting Corporation


LITERATURE

Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table

Condi 2008, a love poem

It doesn't seem to make sense

Fisking the poet Keats


STUDENT WORK

Gaza

Brazil

Venezuela

Italy

Hong Kong

When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad



TRAVEL

Christ were those peasants ugly

Machete man asks me for money

Tips for visiting prisoners

Trip to the Orinoco


TODD MATHERS

Personal injury lawyer

President Ahmajinadad


MISC

Live-blogging the plane crash

Prison survival tips

Suicide statistics

Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French

David Irving

Arab Americans

If you like rock music you must be stupid

Quality of life index

A pogrom of quails

Krugman in Bogota

People now idiots- TV to blame

Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock

Rum

The Amis brothers

Haiku on another wasted year


BARRY HUTTON'S POSTS

The illusion of plenty

Diets


KILLER FACTS!

Killer Fact! (Brazil)

Killer Fact! (Quality of life index)

Killer Fact! (Canada)

Killer Fact! (New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Paraguay)

Killer Fact! (Häagen-Dazs)

Killer Fact! (Napoleon)

Killer Fact! (Brixton)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland)

Killer Fact! (Pakistan)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Brazil 2)

Killer Fact! (Colombia)

Killer Fact! (France)

Killer Fact! (British National Party)

Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup)

Killer Fact! (Vietnam)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Ivory Coast)

Killer Fact! (Sweden)

Killer Fact! (Vegans)

Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)

Killer Fact! (Casanova)

Killer Fact! (James Bond)

Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)

Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)

Killer Fact! (Murder rates)

Killer Fact! (Strangling)

Killer Fact! (Buglaries)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland 2)

Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Evian)

Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)

Killer Fact! (Bollywood)

Killer Fact! (Australian women)

Killer Fact! (Costa Rica)

Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)

Killer Fact! (Jesuits)

Killer Fact! (Iceland)

Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)

Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)

Killer Fact! (North Korea)

Killer Fact! (Red Heads)

Killer Fact! (Death row)

Killer Fact! (Japan)

Killer Fact! (Thailand)

Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)

Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)

Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)

Killer Fact! (First English sentence)

Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)

Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)

Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)

Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)

Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)

Killer Fact! (Iraqi Jews)

Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)

Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)

Killer Fact! (India)

Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)

Killer Fact! (Tories)

Killer Fact! (Frogs)

Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)

Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)

Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)

(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)



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