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Chase me, ladies, I'm in the cavalry
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
 
CAPRICORN
"All the woes of yesteryear are as nothing compared to what will befall you today."

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ASTROLOGY IS STRICTLY FOR CRETINS- OR IS IT?
Tone writes:
"The Stars are a great steaming pile of nonsense... July 6 to 23 is amazing for rebooting conviviality. Meanwhile, Uranus is zooming backwards through your house of love."
I had a Brazilian student who was fluent in this kind of gibberish. I thought he was a prize cock, but I was wrong, as you shall see. One day, I walked into the office and heard him telling the secretaries that the moon was moving into Scorpio, or some such hogwash. When we started the class I asked if he believed in astrology, and he said of course he didn’t; did I think he was stupid? Well, I’ve heard you talking about it several times, I said.

"To get the womans," he explained.

His theory is that if you talk loudly enough about Capricorn, etc. gullible women will want to sleep with you. He claims to have bought books, and memorized whole chapters of crap for this purpose.

Smart chap. I only saw idiots talking tosh; he saw an opportunity. I have a lot of respect for this kind of low scheming. "You are Taurus," he will say. "Taurus is very intelligent." A lesser man would just tell them some lie.*

This guy was a dream student: he used to cancel nearly every class. It used to puzzle me. If you don’t want to learn English that’s up to you, but why spend all that money? It turned out to be a cunning wheeze: he would tell his wife that he was off to the school, then go to a motel to do whatever it was he did that was more fun than my English lessons. Took me six months to solve that one.

People are always apologetic when they miss a class. They can't seem to understand that I would rather they didn’t come. They ought to apologise for showing up, since this cuts badly into my tea-drinking time.

*I live in a castle; I am none other than Dr Heinz Schliffenburger, inventor of the electric salad spinner. These are lies that I myself have used. I got nowhere.

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Monday, June 27, 2005
 
KILLER FACT!
In the fourth quarter of 2000, 46% of men arrested in Parramatta (Sydney) tested postive for opiates. In the first quarter of 2001 this had fallen to 10%. Heroin overdoses fell 66% that year.

Read about the great Australian heroin drought here.

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Sunday, June 26, 2005
 
I DIDN'T EAT THAT DOG WITH AN OPEN MIND
Anyway, so I'm in North Korea and one of my minders tells me that we are going to a traditional dog restaurant. Very well, I thought. When in Rome, eat dog.

The table had a barbecue in the middle, and waiters would appear from time to time and place raw fresh hound on the grill. Though I had never eaten man's best friend before I thought I'd prefer it well-done, so I let it sizzle as long as poss. I began to feel quite unwell.

I ate lots of salad, and as little dog as I could. I was trying to steer a course between the Scylla of being impolite, and the Charybdis of copious vomiting.

"This is chest of dog," the man said, putting some on my plate. Then we had "dog balls"- balls of meat wrapped in rice. "And these," he said, "are dog wings."
      "Wings? You mean legs."
      "No, wings."
      "Ears?"
      "No, wings. To fly."

We had an interesting discussion about this, and the dog turned out to be duck, which he pronounced "dahg". After that the dinner was delicious, which just goes to show that I wasn't eating the dog with an open mind.

It was a great holiday. Ducks, ballistic missiles, the world's tallest empty building- North Korea has it all. And temperatures in the mid-3000s if that's the week the Americans attack.

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PROFOUND CURSES
Fixed that Blogger thing. If you chant div { clear: none !important; } it somehow counteracts their voodoo, and wards off evil. Found that here.

Thanks also to the Magistrate, the parking attendant, Bogol, Justin and Jeff for their help. Profound curses to everyone else.

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Saturday, June 25, 2005
 
Got a message from Blogger: "A bug is being addressed by the development team to resolve the issue you're having. Please be assured that the bug will be fixed soon."

It doesn't matter. It's not as if I had anything important to say. What shall we talk about? How are things over there? Public holiday here in Venezuela (anniversary of the Battle of Carabobo). Chavez celebrated by making a bonkers speech, and the opposition marched to the Cuban Embassy to protest the presence of Castro, though Castro was not, in fact, present.

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Friday, June 24, 2005
 
Does anyone know why this page is all screwed up? Got any suggestions? I tried shouting at it, but that didn't seem to help.

God bless you.

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Thursday, June 23, 2005
 
MORE FIGHTING
I'm in Caracas. I broke up a fight last night between gang members. I hit two of them, and scattered the rest.

At least, I think I hit two of them. I drove off without stopping.

Killer Fact: the current Mayor of Caracas once knifed somebody in the chest at a birthday party.

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Sunday, June 19, 2005
 
BARE-KNUCKLE FIGHTING IN BARNS- THE SPORT OF KINGS
Ball Bag on the Ultimate Fighting Championship:
They throw a couple of punches -that almost always miss- then grapple on the floor until one of them works an arm free to give the other one a smack round the head... I was expecting broken bones and eyes gouged from their sockets, but it is just fruity nonsense.
It's true that there is lots of tiresome rolling around, and I agree that it's a poor substitute for bear-baiting. But fruity nonsense? Has he never seen the naked standing choke, combined with a really first-class punch in the ear? Or heard the sickening thud of the Japanese nose-crunching manoeuvre?

But he's right that the sport never really lived up to its promise. They discovered early on that "grapplers always beat hitters". They'll show you some kick boxer training and you think, "Excellent! He's going to kick that other chap's head clean off." But the opportunity rarely arises, and they spend a preposterous amount of time rolling around on the floor trying to strangle each other. I still prefer it to tennis, though.

I read an article in The Ring which claimed that bare-knuckle fighting in barns is safer than official boxing with gloves on. There's loadsa claret, and it mashes the face up something shocking, but the brain gets jarred around less, so you are less likely to end up a cabbage. It's less dangerous than skiing, they say, as if this were a recommendation.

Anyway, who wants a fight?


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THE HEIRS OF JOHN STUART MILL
Killer Fact! Pablo Escobar was elected to Congress as a candidate for the Liberal Party. The first time he showed up, a security guard wouldn't let him in because he wasn't wearing a tie.

That Brazilian politician who sliced people's limbs off with a saw was also a Liberal.

But Vladimir Zhirinovsky, who wanted to deport "this small and troublesome tribe" [Jews] to specially designated settlement areas, was a Liberal Democrat.



William Gladstone. Now he really was a c***.

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Saturday, June 18, 2005
 
WISE CRACKS




That's fair. I don't see how anyone could possibly object to that. These photos demonstrate very clearly that if you compare an attractive person from France with an unattractive person from the United States, the French person will be more attractive.

(From the RSB Crack Squad.)

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IS BURGLARY NON-U?
It turns out that Bogan is Australian for Chav. I did not know that.

Just one observation: "snob" is the wrong word in this context, since working-class Italians, Arabs, Chinese, Greeks, etc., come to exactly the same conclusions about these Bogans as Anglo-Australian "snobs" do. Take, for example, this character:



Would anyone think less of such a person because he does not shoot grouse, and says "serviette" instead of "napkin"? Or is there something else?

I don't know how many such Bogans there are in Australia, but England is on the cusp of the Chav event-horizon, after which it will be irrecoverable. The rest of us will go the way of the red squirrel, in my opinion.

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Friday, June 17, 2005
 
LINKS
- "A bunch of midgets fight over bugger all." If you had to define a blog in a single phrase I doubt this could be improved upon.

-That old magistrate is back.

-Andrew Sullivan has a new email of the day, but the opening line cures me of any desire to read the thing: "Recently I had lunch with someone who at some point during his seminary studies was in a chaplaincy-training program in the Navy."

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Thursday, June 16, 2005
 
KILLER FACT!
Sydney has twice as much rainfall as London. Rome, Johannesburg and New York also get more rain than London.
The rain it raineth on the just,
And also on the unjust fella,
But more upon the just because
The unjust has the just's umbrella.
UPDATE! I wouldn't want you to think I'm some kind of London patriot. The sooner they blow it up the better, in my opinion. I'm just saying it doesn't rain as much as everyone thinks.

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Tuesday, June 14, 2005
 
SHOW ME A RUGBY PLAYER, AND I'LL SHOW YOU A BIG FRUITY YOGHURT
Ball Bag's wise thoughts yesterday:
"People like me who like rugby... are secretly gay according to gays."
I agree that cod psychoanalysis of this kind is tiresome. On the other hand, if you spend your free time hanging around naked in changing rooms in the company of beefy young men, singing songs about wanking, people are entitled to draw certain conclusions. I think the gays are onto something here.
Macho, macho man,
I wanna be,
A macho man.

(W.H.Auden)
Ball Bag, let's go back to your childhood...

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Monday, June 13, 2005
 
KILLER FACT!
Hugo Chávez spends $560 per month on beauty products*, according to figures from the National Budget.

It's worth it, though. He's as pretty as a picture.


* "Productos de tocador". You could also translate that as toiletries, or products of boudoir. He must smell like Paris Hilton's knickers.

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Friday, June 10, 2005
 
COCA

Troublesome shrub



Colombian view

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Thursday, June 09, 2005
 
IT SHOULD BE A NICE DAY OUT, UNLESS I FALL INTO A PIT OF SPIKES
I'm going to a coca-growing area tomorrow, doing the Lord’s work. (Actually I've got some garden furniture I'm trying to shift.) Should be a nice day out, if I don't get shot.

There is a "FARC presence", as they say, and the sons-of-owls* have filled the area with Viet Cong-style practical jokes. But the Colombian countryside is wonderful. If I fall into a pit full of spikes I'll die miserably, howling like an animal; but if I don't fall into a pit of spikes, I might see a tree frog, or even an armadillo. Apart from Brazil, Colombia has the greatest diversity of animal and plant life in the world.

If I haven't updated by Saturday, just assume I'm dead and go over to Roy Edroso's site.

*Afghan insult.

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Tuesday, June 07, 2005
 
LOOK ON MY HIPPOS, YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR
Whose hippos are these? They are Pablo Escobar’s hippos, living in the ruins of his 3000-hectare hacienda.



Forbes Magazine once listed him as the world's seventh richest man. And what did the world's most successful criminal do with his money? He bought hippos, giraffes and rhinoceroses. This is a recorded telephone conversation from 1979. Escobar had sent one of his men to Nairobi to buy creatures for his zoo:
-Hey, what’s up? Listen, bring me another two rhinoceroses. Another two that are still calves.

-Pablo, the price has gone up to...

-I don’t care. Bring me those animals quickly. How are things over there?

-OK, as you wish. It’s boiling hot and the food is very strange. One doesn’t see a single bean in these parts.

-When are you coming?

-In two or three days.

-OK. Take care. I’ll see you soon. [Hangs up]
His zoo had 1,900 species in its heyday. In El Patron; Vida y Muerte de Pablo Escobar, it says that the dung of elephants, rhinos and buffaloes was daubed on packages of cocaine, because the drug dogs won't go near the scent of animals that big and fierce. Don’t know if that’s true.

After he turned terrorist and went on the run, some of the beasts were transferred to other zoos, some escaped, others were stolen, and many just died. All that remains are the hippos.

Sic transit gloria...



    

    

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Sunday, June 05, 2005
 
AN HE HAD BEEN A DOG THAT SHOULD HAVE HOWLED THUS, THEY WOULD HAVE HANGED HIM*
My friend the Hungbunny has saddled up his horse and moved to a new website, on the fashionable side of town. He now offers "podcasts", as the young people say, with some seriously hideous tunes.

"Music hath charms to soothe the savage breast," wrote William Congreve. But he never listened to Britain is Shit, by the punk band Selfish Cunt, which would tend, if anything, to make the breast more savage than ever. As a technological feat these podcasts are very impressive; as an artistic one they rank somewhat lower than Snoop Dogg, to the sound of bagpipes, reciting James McIntyre’s Cheese Odes.

And yet Hungbunny spent six years at music school, and works for Naxos, so presumably he knows his onions. If he says it's good, I suppose it must be. I guess you have to be a connoisseur to appreciate this stuff.

Regarding his "hatred of Bob Dylan" I am happy to make common cause with him.

*Much Ado About Nothing.

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Saturday, June 04, 2005
 
CANADIAN OAT CONSUMPTION
Per capita, Canada is the world's largest consumer of oats.

After a hard day clubbing seals, the average Canadian likes nothing better than to unwind with a delicious half-pound of oats, washed down with lashings of free methadone from their wonderful health care system.

The oat is native to Eurasia, of course. He grows in temperate zones.

Tell your friends.

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Friday, June 03, 2005
 
LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE
Bogotá- I was in the supermarket just now when a homeless charged in. He opened a carton of juice, and swigged as much as he could before they threw him out. Never seen that before.

The poor guy had obviously fallen on hard times, but at least he hadn't been reduced to putting ads on his weblog, or busking. He still had his pride, and I had to give him credit for that. If he hadn't looked so mental I might have given him one of my avocados.

Chances are he was a "displaced person". There are more than two million in Colombia; a few days ago one of them tried to sell me a dog. They are displaced by the conflict, so the fact that this dirty-bearded fellow sleeps in the streets and bellows at people in supermarkets is probably traceable to our inability to enforce our own drug laws.

So it's your fault, ratbags. I hope you're pleased with yourselves.

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Wednesday, June 01, 2005
 
PHOTO OF THE DAY


Go on, my son! Bash its nasty head in.





Quick! It's getting away!

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PRETEND THINGS IN SPACE
"Pretend science sounds like the end of a dog's cock. Science fiction, well you could say it is not really my thing. Space is just that isn't it? A space. And aliens, I am not interested in them. If there is life in the sky, well bollocks to it."

Noreen reviews the new Star Wars film.

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KILLER FACT!
The murder rate in Medellín fell 58% last year. It used to be the murder capital of the world; these days they stuggle to keep up with Godalming.

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TWITTER



ECONOMICS AND POLITICS

Krugman's cat

I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point

The time I punched JK Galbraith

Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?

In Defence of John Prescott

Prescott 2



CELEBRITY NEWS

Jennifer Lopez has been shot!

Nicholas Cage is a tit

A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim

Colombian death squads dump Kate Moss

50 Cent almost too stupid to speak

Ooh, brain hurts

Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman

I'm so angreeee

Ben Affleck

The Magic of Snoop

Inane Dogg

Germaine Greer's gusset


MEANINGLESS HOAXES

Correspondence with the Ku Klux Klan

Correspondence with Boris Johnsons

Ministry of Defence

Thames Valley Police

Meatloaf

British Airways- I'll show those fucks

Bank

The Polite Society

Is this a library or a bordello?

Rumsfeld

Israeli Embassy

My MP

The Scottish National Party

Garry Bushell

Letter to Gunsmith (1)

Greenspan

Richard Dawkins


TEACHING ENGLISH

Your child is an illiterate cabbage

Like a trouser, yet not a trouser

Why is life so wretched?

Stopping Hitler at Munich

The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk

Non-academic sub-adult clowning

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear

No sane man cares about such things

Who, whom?

Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid

The Business English racket

Keith Richards' English level

The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth

Teaching English to cretins

This is a real pain in the arse

I hate teaching English


BRITAIN

I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps

Glue sniffers

Yorkshire Yahoos

The British public are deeply stupid

The UK's most successful ethnic group

Violent Britain

The man on the Clapham omnibus is a cretin

How much do you give a ponce?

Reflections on the British drunk

This septic isle

Thoughts on muggers

Do you want a punch in the mouth?

How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?

Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain

This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists

Many of my best friends are bishops

Britain's Unfunniest Comedian

Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole

Please go away


COLOMBIA

Shut your cake hole, you lunatic

I don't care about human rights that much

Why I don't take drugs

Someone is getting mugged

I am a victim of crime

That which does not kill you almost kills you

I don't know how much more I can take

Colombian girl santas

The hippos of Pablo Escobar


VENEZUELA

Dancing on the deck of the Titanic

You toucha my pies, I shoota you head

The pros and cons of domestic violence

Life? Don't talk to me about life

The evil Castro cured my cough

Breast implants out of control

Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe

One of those parties that got out of hand

Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?

Don King has lots of good ideas

Chavezfest (1)

Chavezfest (2)


BLOGGERS

The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft

Pie attacks on Professor Krugman

Hooahs!

The Andrew Sullivan Hoax

Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.

If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you

Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time

Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test

The fearless Huffington

Sourpuss Malkin

Book!


THE GREAT BIG WAR AGAINST TERROR

How to say "Death to America!" in Arabic

How to say "Death to America!" in Farsi

If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung

I am opposed to the hacking off of heads

Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective

Top ten warmongers

Islamic Banking

Knob heads

Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave

Another atrocity


NORTH KOREA

Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational

Addio Amore, Addio Razza

If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat

Kim Il Sung's birthday!

Billy Graham in North Korea

North Korea job offer

The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear


SPORTS JOURNALISM

People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea

Please hit our fans with clubs

Baseball is idiotic

I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting

World Cup diary


PALESTINE

Where to buy beer in Gaza

The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip

Someone threw a bomb in our garden

It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die

Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers

Israel's wall

Meet the Arafats


AUSTRALIA

Is it wrong to execute Australians?

Anzac day

Twisted gonads

Australians vs. camels

Off with the false whiskers

The Australian Broadcasting Corporation


LITERATURE

Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table

Condi 2008, a love poem

It doesn't seem to make sense

Fisking the poet Keats


STUDENT WORK

Gaza

Brazil

Venezuela

Italy

Hong Kong

When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad



TRAVEL

Christ were those peasants ugly

Machete man asks me for money

Tips for visiting prisoners

Trip to the Orinoco


TODD MATHERS

Personal injury lawyer

President Ahmajinadad


MISC

Live-blogging the plane crash

Prison survival tips

Suicide statistics

Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French

David Irving

Arab Americans

If you like rock music you must be stupid

Quality of life index

A pogrom of quails

Krugman in Bogota

People now idiots- TV to blame

Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock

Rum

The Amis brothers

Haiku on another wasted year


BARRY HUTTON'S POSTS

The illusion of plenty

Diets


KILLER FACTS!

Killer Fact! (Brazil)

Killer Fact! (Quality of life index)

Killer Fact! (Canada)

Killer Fact! (New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Paraguay)

Killer Fact! (Häagen-Dazs)

Killer Fact! (Napoleon)

Killer Fact! (Brixton)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland)

Killer Fact! (Pakistan)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Brazil 2)

Killer Fact! (Colombia)

Killer Fact! (France)

Killer Fact! (British National Party)

Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup)

Killer Fact! (Vietnam)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Ivory Coast)

Killer Fact! (Sweden)

Killer Fact! (Vegans)

Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)

Killer Fact! (Casanova)

Killer Fact! (James Bond)

Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)

Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)

Killer Fact! (Murder rates)

Killer Fact! (Strangling)

Killer Fact! (Buglaries)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland 2)

Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Evian)

Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)

Killer Fact! (Bollywood)

Killer Fact! (Australian women)

Killer Fact! (Costa Rica)

Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)

Killer Fact! (Jesuits)

Killer Fact! (Iceland)

Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)

Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)

Killer Fact! (North Korea)

Killer Fact! (Red Heads)

Killer Fact! (Death row)

Killer Fact! (Japan)

Killer Fact! (Thailand)

Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)

Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)

Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)

Killer Fact! (First English sentence)

Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)

Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)

Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)

Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)

Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)

Killer Fact! (Iraqi Jews)

Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)

Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)

Killer Fact! (India)

Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)

Killer Fact! (Tories)

Killer Fact! (Frogs)

Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)

Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)

Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)

(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)



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