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Chase me, ladies, I'm in the cavalry
Friday, March 31, 2006
 
FERRET NOSES
"One way to collect nasal secretions from a ferret is to anesthetize it, hold a petri dish under its snout and squirt a little salt water up its nose so that it will sneeze into the dish."
If Lord Rees-Mogg had written that, I would have dismissed it as another one of his ludicrous claims. But it was in the New York Times, so presumably it's been fact-checked.

I gave up salting ferret noses at New Year. I didn't cut down, I didn't use patches, I just quit. I went to the doctor. He said, "Pull yourself together, man. You're a bloody maniac."

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Wednesday, March 29, 2006
 
KILLER FACT!
Per capita, more people get skin cancer in Scotland than in Australia.

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Sunday, March 26, 2006
 
Hungbunny had a lucky escape this week. Although, looking at it from another angle, it would have been luckier not to get run over at all.

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Saturday, March 25, 2006
 
FREED HOSTAGE A DULL DOG, SAY SAS
"It’s great to be free," quips rescued hostage.

He had 118 days to think of a bon mot: was that really the best he could do? He calls that hot? The SAS must be wondering if it was worth all the trouble to rescue the dull dog.

I already have my wisecrack prepared for when I get kidnapped. I stagger out into the sunshine with my ear hanging off –the fiends, what have they done to him?- my clothes caked in gore.

"How are you feeling, Hutton?" shouts a reporter.
"I’m fine thanks," I say. "How are you?"

Then I swagger off down the road like I’m all Errol Flynn and shit.

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Thursday, March 23, 2006
 
WOMEN PROBLEMS
Sorry I haven´t updated- women problems. Come to think of it, they've been causing problems ever since we gave them the vote.

Don't tell anyone I said that.

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Monday, March 20, 2006
 
VOTE LABOUR! DEATH TO THE TOWEL-HEADS!
Today is the third anniversary of the Iraq War. Three years ago, when all the peaceful options for bombing Iraq had been exhausted, Bush, with a heavy heart and after much reflection, reluctantly gave the order to start blowing stuff up. 103 Britons have died in the conflict. That’s really not so bad. But when it gets to about four hundred we should definitely start protesting and stuff.



This madman has dragged us into four wars, surely a record for a Labour Prime Minister, and not bad even for a Hun Chieftain. In the House of Commons last week Blair was all, “Me the conqueror of Serbia, Sierra Leone, Afghanistan and Iraq,” and Cameron was like, yeah, but that’s all. “Since 2003 the honourable lunatic hasn’t attacked anywhere.”

There is no room for complacency.

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Sunday, March 19, 2006
 
EXCELLENT!
Brazilian-hating government toady Sir Ian Blair is being considered for a “performance bonus", based on the “degree of excellence” he has shown. Huh?

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DOES A LAX FISCAL POLICY CAUSE LAX MORAL STANDARDS?
Krugman has written an introduction to The General Theory of Employment, Interest, and Money. I read the whole thing, and I must say I didn’t laugh once; but people who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like.

In the year the General Theory was published, convictions for “indecency between males” increased 55%.

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Friday, March 17, 2006
 
EL BARBUDO QUITS
But O for the touch of a vanished hand,
And the sound of a voice that is still...
El Barbudo has saddled up his horse and left town. I kept meaning to link to the filthy animal, but I never got round to it, and now it's too late. Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: I almost linked to El Barbudo.

Ball Bag is still going, however. I’d forgotten what a stupid cunt he is.

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Thursday, March 16, 2006
 
Student recites 8,784 digits of pi, fights off chicks.



Via Fark

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Wednesday, March 15, 2006
 
DOCTORS SCHMOCTORS
Some horrifying NHS stories at Dr Crippen’s site (via Worstall). Britain is soon going to be like Chad, where going to hospital involves submitting to the ministrations of some half-trained savage or witch-doctor.

Crippen blames bureaucrats, and nurses who don’t speak English. No doubt he’s right, but anyone who has been at a British university will have grave doubts about the doctors themselves. I mean, have you seen how our medical students behave? It’s one thing to get hog-whimpering drunk, roar yourself hoarse and rub boot polish into one another’s testes; we all did that. What shocked me was the way they would lie in bed and miss their morning lectures. If a Geography student misses a lecture about ignominious rocks, it probably doesn’t matter that much. But with medicine it was presumably stuff that would have been useful to know.

“It’s my left leg, doctor. I think I’ve fractured it.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t do the left leg. I was too drunk.”

“Arnie No-Neck”, who disgraced himself at the rugby club dinner by throwing potatoes at the Dean, is now a surgeon, you’ll be pleased to hear. The oaf will probably be promoted to senior cardiologist about the time I have my first heart attack.

Those whining narcissistic baby-boomers were bad enough, God knows, but when my generation takes over, our poor country will be utterly ruined. I mean it.


I don’t know who these people are.

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Monday, March 13, 2006
 
TAKE CARE OF YOUR COLON, AND YOUR COLON WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU
Email to the award-winning Joe Purdon of Standard Quick Print:

Hello Mr Purdon! I am the man with Swedish accent who was speaking with your staff on the phone earlier!

First of all, congratulations on your award at the Maysville Chamber of Commerce Dinner in Kentucky! It was reporting in the Bärgslagsbladet Gazette here in Sweden that Standard Quick Print was winning in the best printing and marketing categories. Well done!

The reason I am writing is for this: at the awards dinner, it was reporting that you eat duck with other heavy meats, and rich deserts. I’m afraid that, from the point of view purifying your colon, the duck isn’t the best option. Indeed, if this kind of meals are normal in the Purdon household, your “rear loader” must be in quite a state by now! How do you think this is reflecting on the Maysville business community? How do you think this is reflecting on America? You should eating more fruits and berries, and cutting down on fattish meats such as lamb and whale. Prunes and carrots make a so tasty snack if you are feeling peckish between meals, washed down with nutritious parsnip juice.

My wife and I are running a support group for persons interested in detoxifying their colonic tracts, just off the Djurgårdsbrunnsvägen in Stockholm, If you are ever in Sweden please get in touch if you would like to come along.

Yours for healthy bowels!


Knut Hagstedt, your friend in Stockholm.
swedish-colons@yahoo.se



He didn’t reply. Nor did Noel Edmonds, Channel 4, the FBI, Michael Barrymore, George Bush and the Los Angeles Police Department. They’d probably try to claim that they have better things to do than reply to meaningless emails. Oh, yeah? Like what?

Boris Johnsons used to reply; now he just says, “Leave me alone, you guttersnipe.”


Swedes, living their life of love and laughter.

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Thursday, March 09, 2006
 
IF I HAD ALL THE MONEY I’D SPENT ON DRINK, I’D SPEND IT ALL ON PISTACHIOS
There’s a news that Chavez has notched up an $11 billion trade with Iran. Is this alarming, or merely dull? It often gets overlooked that Iran is the number 1 producer of pistachio nuts, growing more pistachios than the rest of the world combined. No doubt this accounts for most of the $11 billion. I don’t recommend that you start a nuclear program; but if you like pistachio nuts then, by all means, eat some pistachio nuts. This is my message to the Venezuelan people.

Venezuela should take a leaf out of my book: when I fancy a pistachio, I just go right ahead and eat one. If Bush doesn’t like it, he can fuck off.


A pistachio tree yesterday. The Rafsanjani family made their tin from pistachios, so anyone who says that money doesn’t grow on trees doesn’t know what he's talking about, and will be left behind, in the dustbin of history.

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Monday, March 06, 2006
 
ENGLAND THE WORLD'S FOURTH MOST VIOLENT COUNTRY
The Copper’s Blog has made a list of books to help give you a better understanding and appreciation of villainy. It’s a good list, as far as it goes, but he’s missed a couple. If you're serious about understanding Britain's criminal underworld, I would also recommend:
-The Adventures of Raffles the Gentleman Thief. A West End club man who plays cricket for England leads a double life as a safe-cracker and master of disguise, whose cat-like stealth enables him to burgle the Mayfair houses he entered as a guest. That’s really what it’s like out there, on the streets.

-Mad Frank's Britain, by “Mad” Frankie Fraser. Another patriotic crook: an ape who loves his country and his muvver. Though actually he isn’t as mad as he likes to claim. In fact, he’s quite predictable.
Meanwhile, some people are having a row about the British Crime Survey, and whether crime has gone up or down. Either way, England remains the fourth most violent country on Earth, behind Somalia, Iraq and Scotland. I have known students who, having spent their whole lives living peacefully in Rio de Janeiro or Caracas, have gone to study in England and been set upon by the villainous local peasantry, usually in some place like Bournemouth or Leigh-on-Sea. (Half the language schools are on the coast, for some reason. I always warn them that English seaside towns are dens of scum and roguery, but no one listens to me.)

In Colombia, I have never had any trouble from the criminal classes. But if a toe-rag did come to my house to steal my spoons, I would train a gun on him and say something witty, yet chilling, then shoot him like a quail. That’s the plan, anyway. I’ll let you know how it works out.


Bruce Willis as Raffles

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Sunday, March 05, 2006
 
WHEN BRUCE WILLIS SPEAKS, AMERICA LISTENS
"Why is the US's addiction to drugs somehow everyone else's problem?" (Oil Wars)
Bruce Willis calls for invasion of Colombia.

This is an ominous development. If it were merely some harmless lunatic like Hitchens wanting to invade stuff we could safely ignore him; but Willis, whose films include Die Hard and Hudson Hawk, is one of America’s leading thinkers. In any normal country he’d be handing out plastic spoons in McDonalds, but over there he is considered an intellectual heavyweight.

When Willis speaks, America listens. I suppose the nearest British equivalent would be Jimmy Greaves.


Bruce Willis addresses the Senate Committee on Foreign Relations

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Saturday, March 04, 2006
 
BLOWJOB CITY
I sit in one of the dives on 82nd street, and my heart sinks as this woman gets out some photos of her bastard cats and starts telling me stories about them. Robin is the naughty one, you see. He sometimes wakes her up. And -get this- he won’t eat his fish with the skin on.

I sat there, having a bad time. I had zero interest in these cats, but I calculated that if I could just listen to another couple of hours of this tedious nonsense she would come back to my place for five minutes of clammy, loveless sex: the very reason I had gone out in the first place.

But I calculated wrong. She got in a taxi, and I stood in the road realising that I had been tricked into listening to the cat stories for free. And my thoughts turned to something Musafir wrote in the comments:
large dog= biker ex-boyfriends
cat= nightly headaches
small dog= blowjob city
This sounds prima facie quite plausible but, as Sherlock Holmes said, it is a capital error to theorize before one has data. Has anyone done any research on this? What do scholars say? I checked the Zogby polls, but all they’ve got there is a load of boring rubbish about American politics, none of which makes the slightest difference to my life.

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KILLER FACT!
In Italian, al fresco means “in jail”.

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Friday, March 03, 2006
 
LETTER TO STANDARD QUICK PRINT
Hello Mr Purdon! I am the man with Swedish accent who was speaking with your staff on the phone earlier!

First of all, congratulations on your award at the Maysville Chamber of Commerce Dinner in Kentucky! It was reporting in the Bärgslagsbladet Gazette here in Sweden that Standard Quick Print was winning in the best printing and marketing categories. Well done!

The reason I am writing is for this: at the awards dinner, it was reporting that you eat duck with other heavy meats, and rich deserts. I’m afraid that, from the point of view purifying your colon, the duck isn’t the best option. Indeed, if this kind of meals are normal in the Purdon household, your “rear loader” must be in quite a state by now! How do you think this is reflecting on the Maysville business community? How do you think this is reflecting on America? You should eating more fruits and berries, and cutting down on fattish meats such as lamb and whale. Prunes and carrots make a so tasty snack if you are feeling peckish between meals, washed down with nutritious parsnip juice.

My wife and I are running a support group for persons interested in detoxifying their colonic tracts, just off the Djurgårdsbrunnsvägen in Stockholm, If you are ever in Sweden please get in touch if you would like to come along.

Yours for healthy bowels!

Knut Hagstedt, your friend in Stockholm


Standard Quick Print replies:

thanks Knut.


Well that was a waste of time. No one replies anymore. Boris Johnsons used to reply; now he just says, "Leave me alone, you guttersnipe."

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Thursday, March 02, 2006
 
I WISH I'D WATCHED MORE CRAP ON THE TELEVISION
I’ll be away for a couple of days. Someone stole my glasses and now I can see fuck all. I’ll go to the optician in the morning, finding my way, if necessary, with bat-like ultra-sonic squeaking.

I was trying to make a joke based on the idea of making a spectacle of oneself, but I abandoned it in a fit of self-loathing. Reading gives you a headache with the words all blurry. Can’t decide whether to go out to some low bar and try to score a couple of heifers, or stay in and make prank phone calls. Anything than TV. No one, on his death bed, ever said, "I wish I'd watched more television."

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Wednesday, March 01, 2006
 
KILLER FACTS!
-In Sweden in 2004 only 329 people were serving sentences of over five years.

-Middlesbrough is responsible for 25 per cent of national kerb-crawling convictions.

-The suicide rate for 11-17 year olds is five times higher in Wales than England.

-In the US, 45 per cent of Republicans say they are very happy compared to 30 per cent of Democrats.

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Someone threw a bomb in our garden

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Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table

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Killer Fact! (Brazil)

Killer Fact! (Quality of life index)

Killer Fact! (Canada)

Killer Fact! (New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Paraguay)

Killer Fact! (Häagen-Dazs)

Killer Fact! (Napoleon)

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Killer Fact! (Switzerland)

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Killer Fact! (France)

Killer Fact! (British National Party)

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Killer Fact! (Ivory Coast)

Killer Fact! (Sweden)

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Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)

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Killer Fact! (James Bond)

Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)

Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)

Killer Fact! (Murder rates)

Killer Fact! (Strangling)

Killer Fact! (Buglaries)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland 2)

Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)

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Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)

Killer Fact! (Bollywood)

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Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)

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Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)

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Killer Fact! (Red Heads)

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Killer Fact! (Thailand)

Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)

Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)

Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)

Killer Fact! (First English sentence)

Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)

Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)

Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)

Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)

Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)

Killer Fact! (Iraqi Jews)

Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)

Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)

Killer Fact! (India)

Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)

Killer Fact! (Tories)

Killer Fact! (Frogs)

Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)

Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)

Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)

(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)



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