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Chase me, ladies, I'm in the cavalry
Friday, December 21, 2007
 
Denouncing Christmas at a “secular Christmas party": Hitchens has come up with a new way of being a pain in the arse. Hats off.

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Monday, December 17, 2007
 
HOW TO DEAL WITH NOISY NEIGHBOURS
1. Close the doors and windows.
2. Go to the kitchen and turn the gas on.
3. Go to the bedroom and light a candle.
4. Go for a walk while your flat explodes.
I haven’t done that yet, but that’s not to say that I won’t. They keep playing that appalling song, that one that goes 'ay ay ay'. (That was a joke, by the way. They all go ‘ay ay ay’.)

Latin America is basically a bunch of people in hats going ‘ay ay ay’ and running each other over.

And another thing: if you park your car outside my building and play reggaeton at full volume at 7am on a Sunday morning, you aren’t an exuberant, hot-blooded Latin; you are a tosser.

And if you cut across two lanes of traffic then shake your fist and shout ‘son of a whore’ at another driver (who is roaring right back at you), you aren’t an exuberant, hot-blooded Latin; you are a tosser.

And if you show up for a meeting an hour and twenty minutes late and ask, “Have you been here long?”, etc., etc., ...tosser.

They’ve been getting away with this shit for far too long. (All real-life examples from the last couple of weeks.)

Four or five months ago my taxi driver got out to have a punch up with another driver, an old git who turned out to be a retired or off-duty cop. So the pig gets his ID out and stands in the middle of the road blowing a whistle to get more police over, my guy drives off, and then we had this, like, car chase for a couple of blocks before we lost him. It was one of those days when you think, “I can’t handle this anymore. I'm moving to Switzerland.”

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Sunday, December 16, 2007
 
The Instapundit has posted another update about a GPS he ordered for his car:
“So I wound up ordering the Garmin Nuvi 660 instead of the 350 I mentioned earlier... I've often had the experience of being on a trip and stuck in traffic, and wishing I knew local conditions well enough to find a way around the jam. I'll let you know how it works out.”
I can’t wait to learn if he found a way around the jam. I certainly hope he did, and was reunited with his loved ones as soon as possible.

The hopes and prayers of liberty-loving people everywhere march with you.

What a brilliant man.

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Police are complaining about the large numbers of nuisance calls they receive. Dealing with thick members of the public is diverting resources away from shooting Brazilians and diversity training, they claim. This is my favourite one, but they are all pretty side-splitting.
What is today's date?

There is pole dancing at number 3.

I can't find Homebase and I am very distressed.

Is there a hairdresser's open in Cambridge?
When I phoned them claiming to have my foot stuck inside a pumpkin they told me I was wasting their time, as if the time would otherwise have been spent kicking down doors and arresting terrorists.

I didn’t much care for her snooty tone.

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Wednesday, December 12, 2007
 
THE PEOPLE OF CANADA CAN FUCK OFF
Ha ha. Look at these dumb Canadians trying to ban newspaper articles.

The Canadian Islamic Congress and everyone else in Canada can all fuck off, as far as I’m concerned.

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Friday, December 07, 2007
 
KILLER FACT!
"Egyptians, Indians and Turks search for "sex" on Google more than any other nationality. "Hitler" is most popular in Germany, Austria and Mexico; "Nazi" in Chile, Australia and Britain. "David Beckham" gets most hits in Venezuela."

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Monday, December 03, 2007
 
WHAT THEY DON’T TEACH YOU AT HARVARD BUSINESS SCHOOL
Fellas, have you ever tried to put your bollocks into a marmite jar? It's a simple matter to get them in, but you cannot get them out again. I don't understand the science behind it.

Try it during your tea break. It really works!

So how do you get them out? Or must they remain there until the crack of doom?

Simple. You give a hammer to a passer-by and invite him to take a swing. And –hey presto!- liberated plums.

They pay me to solve problems.

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I’ll never forget the time I went into a bakery in Rome to buy a pastry.

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Well I’ll be damned:
A new guide to the world's most awful airports, by Foreign Policy magazine, doesn't even include Heathrow in its top five.”
The place does have one redeeming feature, which is that tycoons and celebrities who pay $8,000 for their tickets get treated as badly as everyone else. Even Snoop Dogg must take his shoes off and stand in his socks boiling with impotent rage, before being herded like a pig through the metal detectors.

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ECONOMICS AND POLITICS

Krugman's cat

I agree with Abu Hamza- up to a point

The time I punched JK Galbraith

Who was worse: Blair or Hitler?

In Defence of John Prescott

Prescott 2



CELEBRITY NEWS

Jennifer Lopez has been shot!

Nicholas Cage is a tit

A Rolex, though ugly, will pay for itself in quim

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50 Cent almost too stupid to speak

Ooh, brain hurts

Nothing fishy about monster carp says Krugman

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Letter to Gunsmith (1)

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Your child is an illiterate cabbage

Like a trouser, yet not a trouser

Why is life so wretched?

Stopping Hitler at Munich

The British Council- at least it's not run by a drunk

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You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear

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Who, whom?

Your daughter is very beautiful, but unfortunately completely stupid

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Keith Richards' English level

The Dunderheads shall inherit the earth

Teaching English to cretins

This is a real pain in the arse

I hate teaching English


BRITAIN

I'm sick of this country and its stupid taps

Glue sniffers

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The British public are deeply stupid

The UK's most successful ethnic group

Violent Britain

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How much do you give a ponce?

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This septic isle

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How many divisions has Eddie Izzard?

Most of the world’s problems still caused by Britain

This country's really gone to hell since we stopped burning papists

Many of my best friends are bishops

Britain's Unfunniest Comedian

Reading, Berkshire, is a dog hole

Please go away


COLOMBIA

Shut your cake hole, you lunatic

I don't care about human rights that much

Why I don't take drugs

Someone is getting mugged

I am a victim of crime

That which does not kill you almost kills you

I don't know how much more I can take

Colombian girl santas

The hippos of Pablo Escobar


VENEZUELA

Dancing on the deck of the Titanic

You toucha my pies, I shoota you head

The pros and cons of domestic violence

Life? Don't talk to me about life

The evil Castro cured my cough

Breast implants out of control

Venezuelan crude is heavy and sour, like the women in High Wycombe

One of those parties that got out of hand

Do you believe everything The Economist tells you?

Don King has lots of good ideas

Chavezfest (1)

Chavezfest (2)


BLOGGERS

The Instapundit: a master of the bore's craft

Pie attacks on Professor Krugman

Hooahs!

The Andrew Sullivan Hoax

Eminem, Bin Laden, Tim Blair, etc.

If you don't clear off, I'll set the dogs on you

Malkins and Hinderaker: not for an age, but for all time

Instapundit failing the boring man in a pub test

The fearless Huffington

Sourpuss Malkin

Book!


THE GREAT BIG WAR AGAINST TERROR

How to say "Death to America!" in Arabic

How to say "Death to America!" in Farsi

If you stick your dick in a bees' nest you'll get stung

I am opposed to the hacking off of heads

Iraq- it's all a matter of perspective

Top ten warmongers

Islamic Banking

Knob heads

Bush pursues terrorist beyond the grave

Another atrocity


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Kim Jong Il wouldn't do that- it's irrational

Addio Amore, Addio Razza

If London is still standing in 2020, I'll eat my hat

Kim Il Sung's birthday!

Billy Graham in North Korea

North Korea job offer

The time I saw a woman get savaged by a bear


SPORTS JOURNALISM

People who like football should be put in boxes and bulldozed into the sea

Please hit our fans with clubs

Baseball is idiotic

I love Brazilian Ultimate Fighting

World Cup diary


PALESTINE

Where to buy beer in Gaza

The time I worked as a film censor in the Gaza Strip

Someone threw a bomb in our garden

It is high time Mr Arafat made up his mind if he is going to live or die

Israel / Palestine- the problem of two men in one trousers

Israel's wall

Meet the Arafats


AUSTRALIA

Is it wrong to execute Australians?

Anzac day

Twisted gonads

Australians vs. camels

Off with the false whiskers

The Australian Broadcasting Corporation


LITERATURE

Your severed foot would look good on my coffee table

Condi 2008, a love poem

It doesn't seem to make sense

Fisking the poet Keats


STUDENT WORK

Gaza

Brazil

Venezuela

Italy

Hong Kong

When you sleep on the "cheap" bed, you will feel it is too bad



TRAVEL

Christ were those peasants ugly

Machete man asks me for money

Tips for visiting prisoners

Trip to the Orinoco


TODD MATHERS

Personal injury lawyer

President Ahmajinadad


MISC

Live-blogging the plane crash

Prison survival tips

Suicide statistics

Survey: Britons marginally less unpopular than the French

David Irving

Arab Americans

If you like rock music you must be stupid

Quality of life index

A pogrom of quails

Krugman in Bogota

People now idiots- TV to blame

Goldman Sachs makes billions shorting Goldman Sachs stock

Rum

The Amis brothers

Haiku on another wasted year


BARRY HUTTON'S POSTS

The illusion of plenty

Diets


KILLER FACTS!

Killer Fact! (Brazil)

Killer Fact! (Quality of life index)

Killer Fact! (Canada)

Killer Fact! (New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Paraguay)

Killer Fact! (Häagen-Dazs)

Killer Fact! (Napoleon)

Killer Fact! (Brixton)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland)

Killer Fact! (Pakistan)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Brazil 2)

Killer Fact! (Colombia)

Killer Fact! (France)

Killer Fact! (British National Party)

Killer Fact! (Brazil, World Cup)

Killer Fact! (Vietnam)

Killer Fact! (Shenzhen)

Killer Fact! (Ivory Coast)

Killer Fact! (Sweden)

Killer Fact! (Vegans)

Killer Fact! (Lenin, Trotsky, Stalin, Engels)

Killer Fact! (Casanova)

Killer Fact! (James Bond)

Killer Fact! (Iraq / foxhunting)

Killer Fact! (Drug abuse in Iran)

Killer Fact! (Murder rates)

Killer Fact! (Strangling)

Killer Fact! (Buglaries)

Killer Fact! (Switzerland 2)

Killer Fact! (Saddam Hussein / New York Times)

Killer Fact! (Evian)

Killer Fact! (Suicide bombers)

Killer Fact! (Bollywood)

Killer Fact! (Australian women)

Killer Fact! (Costa Rica)

Killer Fact! (Cocaine mark-ups)

Killer Fact! (Jesuits)

Killer Fact! (Iceland)

Killer Fact! (Nobel Prizes by nationality)

Killer Fact! (King Shaka of the Zulus)

Killer Fact! (North Korea)

Killer Fact! (Red Heads)

Killer Fact! (Death row)

Killer Fact! (Japan)

Killer Fact! (Thailand)

Killer Fact! (highest-grossing film in history)

Killer Fact! (Churchill's mother)

Killer Fact! (Fastest growing economies)

Killer Fact! (First English sentence)

Killer Fact! (Wodehouse, Raymond Chandler)

Killer Fact! (Swiss Civil War)

Killer Fact! (Alcohol consumption)

Killer Fact! (Anglo-French Wars)

Killer Fact! (Price of barrels)

Killer Fact! (Iraqi Jews)

Killer Fact! (Top ten warmongers)

Killer Fact! (Karl Marx' uncle)

Killer Fact! (India)

Killer Fact! (Yuletide murders)

Killer Fact! (Tories)

Killer Fact! (Frogs)

Killer Fact! (Romeo and Juliet)

Killer Fact! (New York Times / Saddam Hussein)

Killer Fact! (The Evil Castro)

(More Killer Facts and other things in the archives.)



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